Gonzo Fighter-Type Names, MST3K Style

Copied/Pasted this list of Uber-Macho Fighter names, suitable(?) for NPCs, Henchmen, even your next PC, and made a Random Table of it.  View the MST3K clip here.
(d50)

1. Slab Bulkhead *       
2. Fridge Largemeat * 
3. Punt Speedchunk * 
4. Butch Deadlift * 
5. Bold Bigflank * 
6. Splint Chesthair * 
7. Flint Ironstag * 
8. Bolt Vanderhuge * 
9. Thick McRunfast * 
10. Blast Hardcheese * 
11. Buff Drinklots * 
12. Crunch Slamchest * 
13. Fist Rockbone * 
14. Stump Beefknob *
15. Smash Lampjaw * 
16. Punch Rockgroin * 
17. Buck Plankchest *
18. Stump Junkman * 
19. Dirk Hardpec * 
20. Rip Steakface * 
21. Slate Slabrock * 
22. Crud Bonemeal * 
23. Brick Hardmeat * 
24. Rip Slagcheek * 
25. Punch Sideiron * 
26. Gristle McThornbody *
27. Slate Fistcrunch * 
28. Buff Hardback * 
29. Bob Johnson (oh, wait…) * 
30. Blast Thickneck * 
31. Crunch Buttsteak * 
32. Slab Squatthrust * 
33. Lump Beefbroth * 
34. Touch Rustrod * 
35. Beef Blastbody * 
36. Big McLargehuge * 
37. Smoke Manmuscle * 
38. Beat Punchmeat * 
39. Hack Blowfist * 
40. Roll Fizzlebeef *
41. Ragnar Rokbottom 
42. Leif Longbottom
43. Leif Garrotte
44. Danger D. Danger
45. Tank Blackmoor
46. Stiff Polearm
47. Flabby Thunderbuns
48. Thorvald McMaynerberry
49. Bjorn Redeye
50. Goliath Oakennutts

For easier Random Rolling, I rounded out the list to an even 50 entries,  adding #s 41-49 in an apparently Viking-influenced fit of giggling free association.  Entry #50 was the name of a favorite Character of mine, one of the last of the Clan of Chainsmoking Dwarves, sadly departed, and undoubtedly hollering his signature catchphrase, "Heapin' Gobs of it, Laddie!" on the entrail-strewn battlefields of Valhalla.  We hardly knew ye, Goliath.

The Triumphant Return of Bananabis Foster

On a quest to recover missing comrades, through a series of Underdark dungeons linked by interdimensional gateways, my dreddy point man B. Foster had a string of bad times.  He triggered most of the traps, which is kind of his job, but then got rapidly aged by a disturbed Ghost, and became a frail old man.  A wish-granting chamber in one of the dungeons turned out to be powered by some Satanic agency, and a Wish to "Return him to his earlier age" succeeded all too well, reducing him to an even more frail infant!  With no other recourse (one-way Gates; no return), the Party was forced to surrender him to the care of the only 'friend' they had in the place, Flynn the Flind, leader of a pack of Underdark Gnolls, and hope for either a return at a later date, or a happy second childhood for Foster, being raised by Gnolls deep underground.  For a few sessions I played Dolph, a secondary PC belonging to another Player, eventually reaching the next Gateway, which -as these things go- happened to return the Party to the Gnoll Caves, wondrously -as these things go- twenty years further in time from their last visit (though seemingly only a few weeks later), and who should they meet but Flynn, now a bit grey in the muzzle, bearing tales of raising infant Foster as a member of the pack, until he reached manhood!  Apparently, Foster had received a dream vision of a a Cursed City, suspended somehow over a great abyss, and had been compelled to seek it out, and,  along with a small group of Gnolls, he had recently departed to do so...  Pressing on, the Party was later ambushed by a pack of Gnolls, and -as these things go- who should be leading them, but a dreadhead human with a (somewhat) familiar face, yes, Bananabis himself, bereft of his former memories (but returned to his younger statistics, and now fluent in Gnoll speech!).  Having been informed of his prior life and comrades by his Flind stepdad, recognitions were made, the attack was halted before the Party slew the remaining Gnolls, and a weird reunion was held in the bioluminescent lichen-lit transit corridors of the Underdark.  Foster demanded return of some of his former equipment in recompense for his slain Gnoll pals, and then related his tales...  Seems -as these things go- that he and his Gnolls had discovered, through raiding Drow caravans, that the Gateway the Party was seeking was located in the Cursed City which he himself was seeking, and so the Party was again in the company of their former adventuring comrade (more or less), as well his squad of Hench-Gnolls!  Together they trekked to the partially ruined Cursed City, to find the entry guarded by a band of enterprising Drow, who attempted to solicit an entry fee -and purchase the Gnolls!- but the Party was in no mood to bargain, and combat wass joined, soon ending in the slaughter and looting of the Drow, and the Adventure continues, continuity restored, more or less... as these things go.

Look out, Bananabis is back, and this time... it's Person-Gnoll!

Daddy's Home!

Not for Sale.

Firing Missile Weapons into Melee Combat

Houserule: 
For situations in which a monster is engaged in melee with Party Member(s)/Friendly Force(s), and an attempt is made to fire a missile weapon at the Foe, roll a d6, and if the number rolled is = or < than the number of friendly combatants, then the attack is rolled against the friend, not the Foe.

For example, if one fighter is engaged with a monster, there is a 1 in 6 chance that the chaos of combat has caused the fighter to be in the path of the missile.  If there are two party members attacking a monster, there is a 1/3 (2 in 6) chance of someone friendly being accidentally targeted. 

Assumes a max. of four PCs per roughly man-sized opponent (completely surrounded).  For larger monsters, assign a greater value to the creature; an Ogre might be worth two man-sized slots, a Giant could possibly be 3, 4, or 5 times the size of a man.  If the total # of effective combatants exceeds 6, use a d8, if 8 or more are involved, use a d10, etc. 

Further example: Four PCs surround and attack a Giant which is roughly 4x the size of a man.  Total effective combatants equals 8 (4+4).  Roll d10, results of 1-4 means a PC is accidentally targeted, while results of 5-10 allows the attack to be made on the intended target.

For exceptionally large creatures, I usually allow missile fire into melee w/o penalty.  If the fighters have opted for (or better, been maneuvered into!) a questionable full-frontal assault on a T-Rex, I assume the archer hanging back shifts fire about 20' or so, and tries to plug the beast in its massive arse.  (If I thought of it, I'd ask, "Where, exactly are you shooting it?" and if the Player said, "Ass end," I might decide that a dino might be spooked by the surprise butt-slap -Morale/Reaction Check- and instead of attacking normally, he might stampede off, forcing a Save or Initiative Check to avoid a trampling!)

Summertime Hiatus Random Table of Inspiring (?) Images  (d30)


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an Image search of any of these should provide wallpaper size

Amazingly Illustrated Tomb and Plume Maps!

Fully illustrated, wallpaper-sized 'Tomb of Horrors' and 'White Plume Mt' maps, with real-play commentary... fantastic detail, and pretty amusing, too!  Can't wait to see 'Barrier Peaks'!  Be sure to check Jason Thompson's other stuff, linked after jump!

This Week's Game; 'Fifty-Five Froglodytes!'

The Party has learned from their Neanderthal friends that the area known as The Cauldron is a roughly circular crater, ringed with five Obelisks, each containing a "path to somewhere else"... so they decide to return to the outer rim of cliffs, and circumnavigate the entire periphery, investigating each for a Gateway out of The Cauldron and back to Gnarth proper.

Dave the Caveman is assigned as a guide, although I doubt even his fearsome strength will keep him alive long in his present company... He leads them to a "shortcut"; a metallic pad in the jungle which Teleports to a similar pad near one of the Obelisks.  The Party is reluctant to take Teleportation advice from a Neanderthal, so Dave agrees to go first, if they promise to follow.  He neglects to mention the transport is one-way only.

Parn Mantises attack, but are dispatched w/o serious incident, and entry to the Obelisk is gained via the Magetti Stone.  Inside, a familiar sight: a glossy black pyramid, allowing transport to... somewhere else... just like the one they encountered when they first arrived.  From the darkness, a shuffle of raggedy zombies, Sleestak and Neanderthal, as per my devious plan, they were deemed beneath wasting valuable Spells upon, and were engaged in melee.  Half were downed in the first round, and then the wave of Ravebones (phosphorescent Skeletons, Hasted!) descended!  Dave manged to protect Rusty the Mage (his German Shepherd, Sarge, knew better than to bite these guys), but things looked iffy, so the Zombies were abandoned in favor of bashing their newer, Skeletal foes, but that meant an extra Zed attack on everyone at the end of each round, plus two hacks/rnd from the Ravebones.  From nowhere, a Stinking Cloud Spell!  The only one to Save is Centauri the Mutant Mastermind, who engages his Alter Mass, Telekinteic Arm, and Hypersight, and takes off into the air, seeking the source of the spell.  The Undead are called off of the incapacitated party (you're welcome!), and race toward their master, an Evil High Priest, Centauri Saves vs Paralysis, and proceeds to pummel the mage to death with his mace before his servants arrive, then, faced with all of them, uses his last few rnds of Mutations for the day to bug out... and the Undead, leaderless, simply disperse into the possible infinite darkness of the Obelisk.

The Gateway proves to lead to a post-apocalyptic ruined city, The Party wisely leaves before nightfall, avoiding the CHUD I had planned...

There aren't any noteworthy encounters en route to the next Oblelisk, and Centauri investigates the pyramidal Gateway, informs The Party that it leads to a cavern beneath the earth...  but which 'earth'?!  Is it their homeworld, or a tunnel complex in some asteroid, somewhere?  ...Knowing they can enter the Gate and return, they figure, Why Not?, and investigate, the subterannean chamber is empty except for the pyramid, and worn steps lead upward... The cave ends at a cliff face, overlooking a gigantic natural vault, the floor sprouting with massive mushrooms of varying shapes, bisected by a swift stream, bridged with mortared stone.  The opposite cavern wall features carved steps leading to a pillared cavern entry.

A massive but simple swing arm/pulley series/gondola, with rotating crank, allows for The Party to be lowered to the mushroom forest, but someone must stay behind and operate it, so Centauri volunteers, then uses Alter Mass Mutation to Feather Fall down to his companions.  Among the shrooms, they are soon surrounded and attacked by the degenerate Froglodytes, crawling out from under nearly all of the giant shroom caps.  Rusty the Mage NPC saves the day by casting Stinky Cloud on one side, and Web on the other, so that the Froglodytes can only approach along the narrow strip between the two hazards, rather than completely surround The Party.

Several rnds later, all usefull Spells, and most of the Party's HP are gone, along with most offensive and defensive Mutaions for the day... In desperation, Rose sounds the Horn of the Valkyrie (only 1 charge left, now!)... a glamorous, gleaming massacre of the final Froggies. Only Rusty escapes w/o injury, having hid in his own Webs.  Fifty-five Froglodytes meet a bloody end, but everyone except the Mage is infected with Froggy!

(In a gracious mood, the Valkyrie does not depart immediately after combat, as usual, but instead flies up to the cliff balcony, lowers the gondola mechanism, hauls up the battered Party, then departs with a wink!)

10GP Gems:
- Undead Swarm + Stinking Cloud Spell (the Undead are not, of course, affected) = Near TPK!

- Stinking Cloud is also useful to avoid being surrounded, and if worse comes to worst, one can always risk the dice and try to ditch enemies by running through it

- 'Evil High Priest" (EHP) Fill a few Spell slots with Magic-User Spells; it freaks out the Players!

Froglodyte:
Batrachian, subterranean humanoids, 4' tall, may either be degenerate savages, or slightly more advanced, speaking, weapon and armor using, a la Lizardmen.  Bite may cause Froggy Mutation.  Cure Disease applied immediately negates, otherwise, only Mutation-reversing tech, or the shroom-brewed antidote of the Froglodytes will reverse, and the smarter ones will use this to advantage.
(AC 7, HD 2, D BW or bite for 1d6, Save vs Poison or gradually develop Froggy Feature(s)(d4) in 1d4 days: 1 = Warty, 2 = Bulgy eyes, 3 = Squat and hoppy, 4 = Compulsive frog tongue)
  

This Week's Game, "The Cauldron", pt 4

The continued trek through the jungle, being lost, unsure where to go, what to do... has had it's desired effect, and The Players are getting restless... however, I am, too!  We both miss operating around a clearer objective!  Figured the Random Encounters would have resulted in The Party gaining more information by now, myself...  They have not yet encountered any Neanderthal, I think I'll have to insert one at the outset of the next session, so that they can gain some allies (hopefully!) and some info from my Rumors/Clues table.  Since they seem to have no plans to go back and check on the Lost Boys of Troop 51, I'm thinking that maybe the Neanderthal have found and rescued them... maybe they have been following The Party from a distance for a while now, and are ready to reveal themselves...

I did manage to roll on one of my favorite subtables:

From the Skies; a meteorite impact or spacecraft re-entry… (d4)

1. Releases Something Weird… maybe a Garthok with a Magic nose-ring (torc)
2. Showers area with debris, contains rare ore/gems, everyone takes 0-9HP dam, finds 100+ 1d% GP worth of ‘free’ treasure
3. Spaceball of unknown metal, one meter in diam, in bottom of small crater.  How it might be opened, and what it might contain, is unknown at this time… humming of machinery can be faintly detected (come up with something for next session!)
4. Explodes in a 90-yard Fireball, 1d% yards away, damage increases toward epicenter;
0-10 yards = “Ground Zero” 12d6,
w/in 30 yards = 9d6,
w/in 50 yards = 6d6,
w/in 90 yards = 3d6,
beyond 90 yards = “Whew!”
(I don’t mind ruining a Character’s day, but this is a dickish way to kill one; rule that anyone killed by the blast is alive with 1d4HP)

...I rolled #4, the Fireball, and gleefully described the entire entry (sometimes it builds suspense when they DO KNOW all the terrible consequences facing them)... and then... rolled a 90!  Everyone made Save and took 1/2 of 3d6.

Session ended over the carcass of a Hydra, near the base of the great volcano.  I must be doing a decent job of populating my Sword and Planet campaign with the weird and unknown; The Party is comprised of both native Gnartians and the remnants of the PCs from my fantasy world of Calantos who originally found the Gateway to Gnarth, when I said, "Hydra," the Calantosi responded eagerly, "A Hydra?  Here?  Oh, we got this..."  They did!

Magic Item Re-Skins

Get out yer Treasure Tables and roll something up!
(d4)
1. Random Ring, but in form of a Potion, determ. duration (10+1d10r ?)
2. Random Potion, in form of a Scroll that affects 1d4+1 beings, &/or 10’ radius
3. Random Scroll, in form of Ring of Spell Storing (recharge?), anyone may use
4. Random R/S/W, but in form of a one-shot Scroll  (“Scroll of Wonder!”)

 UNRELATED LINK of the DAY: https://www.oglaf.com/age-confirmation/?next=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.oglaf.com%2F

This Week's Game, "The Cauldron", pt 3

Returning to The Party after an unexplained absence, with a loud "pop!", Quinn "the Medicine Man (or Woman)", Thief extraordinaire!  Rusty the FNG/NPC wants to know who this guy is and where he came from, but the others just shrug and say, "Sometimes he does that."

The Party discovers a squat but large stone structure, a single archway leading into a 30x50' chamber, 15' high, with a circular pool, 10' across, at the far end.  Tarkas Traptripper (of course) investigates the pool, and is attacked by slime tentacles the moment he turns his back.  Rose casts Purify Water, and a convulsing Slime Creature vomits forth and attempts to retreat, is cornered, and despite the ineffectiveness of Tarkas' continued edged-weapon attack, a few Magic Missiles from Rusty the FNG/NPC, and some flaming oil from Quinn, soon cause it to shrivel and dissolve.  Centauri uses his Telekinetic Arm to lower Skully the Talking Stone Skull into the pool, and a 1'diam mirrored sphere is found, and eventually retrieved.  Zy's Psychometry shows visions of an obviously shifty Wizard of sinister aspect depositing a velvet bag into a mirrored bowl, which promptly "grows" into a sphere, completely encapsulating the bag.  The Wizard cackles evilly and plops the sphere into the pool, and slimy tentacles draw it under...  Quinn taps the sphere with the pommel of his short sword, activating his 1/day Knock Spell, and the sphere shudders, then cracks open like an egg.  Rusty Identifies the contents of the velvet bag as a Necklace of Fireballs the following morning.

Pressing further into the jungle!  Centauri has taken to Altering Mass in conjunction with Telekintic Arm, to "lift" himself, like Levitation.  If his Mutations are still available at the end of ea day, he does airborne recon, and keeps the Party more-or-less on track.  For some reason, they have decided to attempt to discover how extensive the jungle is by heading steadily deeper into it in one direction (happens to be North)... at the center is a cool volcano, but they haven't reached it yet.  The next encounter in this pan-dimensional space/time nexus was with another band of Lost Boys like themselves... kinda.  A troop of six 9-12 yr old Boy Scouts from an ill-fated alternate dimension camping outing!  Moral complications ensue...!  The Party, even to me, the guy that threw them into a world which is specifically designed to engender ruthlessness, was surprisingly callous, calling for simply abandoning the boys to their fate in the dino-infested jungle!  Rose, and Rusty the NPC, convince them to trek back to the structure with the Purified Slime pool, and set the scouts up with some rations and a barricade, and dubious promises to return ASAP...

Next day, more trekkin... skirting a ravine, the Party reaches the stream at its base and is preparing to cross to the other side and resume course when a stampede, basically, of man-sized giant tarantulas jump them, and surprisingly, after dispatching massive carnivorous dinos, Paralyzing Pillars of Flesh, Primordials with rayguns, Psionic Psiclops... the nearest to TPK Gnarmageddon thus far has been this cast-off Random Encounter.  Zy's Lucky Mutation allows multiple Poison Saves, and Rose's Poison-Neutralizing Gnarn Stone allow a minor edge, but everyone rolls horribly, rnd aftr rnd, except myself!  The poison is 'all or nothin'; Save for 0 Damage, but Fail after Fail occurs...  Quinn goes full Owlbear and uses his cloak to transform into the ravaging beast, managing to crush his tarantula in a hug before biting off it's head.  Rusty gains intitiative and scrambles up a tree, desperately holding off his foe with Magic Missiles until someone can help... Gorn and Tarkas doggedly hack and slash, taking more and more damage... In desperation Centauri fires his Sonic Blaster on 'Brown Noise' setting; although it does no damage, the spider is held off for a few rnds of explosive diarrhea, which must have been quite a sight.  Gorn the Reptilian says "Damn the poison" and augments his axe with his bite attack, and he and Tarkas dispatch their attackers, freeing Rose to rush about Healing Centauri and Zy, both down from flesh-eating venom... Quinn is too wounded to engage, but does a flapping Owlbear dance to distract the tarantula menacing Rusty, perched in his tree.  A revived Zy pulls the pin on one of his Fireball Necklace Globes, a small one, and the blackened arachnid attempts to flee, and is gunned down by a volley of vengeful arrows.  Battered and incredulous at their terribly poor performance, and terribly surprising survival, they stagger into the ravine, find a narrow cave with several branching side passages, each ending in a small nest of webs.  All remaining Healing Spells are expended, and Gorn and Tarkas guard the narrow entrance as the others rest and recover.  Three more Giant Tarantulas are spotted descending the opposite cliff face some time later, and all ranged weapons are brought to bear, as no one is comfortable with their HP totals!  The spiders flee, but return at dusk, this time descending the cliff face above the cave to avoid long-range detection, but being previously wounded, and unable to bypass Tarkas and Gorn in the narrow passage, they are slain, one by one.  This time the dice rolls were not extreme on either side, and the supposedly dire Tarantulas were proven to be largely dependent on luck for success.

Skully the Talking Skull is set on a stick at the entrance, watching with Sarge the German Shepherd, as the Party rests in the spider cavern.

This Week's Game, "The Cauldron", pt 2

Party continued to stumble around aimlessly, still unsure where they are, and an encounter roll of 'Primordial w/captive NPC' was converted to 'Insert Magic User Here', allowing for the appearance of Rusty Saturn, a boyish Mage of level 4. 

Our wary adventurers wisely -perhaps- chose to watch an odd ritual of the Elder Things play out, resulting in the summons of a Byakhee, which rode off again into the sky with two of the four Things (and some loot... but they wouldn't have taken down all four; they barely managed to deal with the remaining two!).  After a tough struggle, the Party slew the Primordials and claimed their weaponry, a Sonic Blaster and an Electro-beam Rod.  The plastex cargo box discovered behind a tree contained... A Multi-Phasic Concatenation Coil, which is a piece of alien super-science technology, entirely useless to the Party.  Their unconscious captive rose from a drug stupor the following morning, told his tale of being abducted along with his mentor and other members of a merchant caravan... none of which he has seen since, and next thing you know, he's being traded along with some weird space Coil for a locked metal box. 

Embarassingly eager to hook up with the Party, Rusty's Identify and Read Languages Spells have provided much-needed info; they are trapped in a time/space nexus, an ancient construct of the Primordials, but a way out has not been hinted at.  The Sonic Blaster has four settings: Disruption (3d6 dam, no Save), Stun (1d3 r, Save negates), Deafen (24 hrs, Save vs Wands negates), 'Brown Noise' (lose 1r of action to involuntary explosive diarrhea, no Save).  Rusty was unable to determine how many 'charges' remain in this alien energy device. 

A brief discussion of returning to the Armored Vehicle previously enountered, this time with Rusty's Knock Spell... ended unresolved as the Party made camp for the night.

GAINS: Sonic Blaster, 'Pentacle Rod' (metal rod topped w/plasma globe and pentacle, discharges electric arcs and lightning bolts), and most importantly, an NPC Magic-User!