'Careers and Cubicles'

"No such world should ever exist!!!"

A Dozen Magic Items, Why Not?

1. Medallion of the Berserking Bear; if wearer reaches negative HP, goes into Berserk rage and attacks nearest opponent. Bonus of +2 TH, Damage, Initiative, but still loses 1 HP/rnd and immediately falls dead at -10 HP

2. Potion of Wing & a Prayer; magnificent angelic wings and halo appear, effects as per Prayer Spell, and Flight, for 1 turn + 1 rnd/lvl, 'Good' Guys only, please

3. Ogre Powder; Magic Dust which grants equivalent of 18/00 or 19 STR -whatever-  when inhaled, dur. 2d6 rnds, 1d4+2 doses/pouch, must rest for one full turn after effects wear off

4. Living Rope; a rope which can understand and obey simple verbal commands, be made to slither, climb, knot, secure, etc, is if alive, like a snake or worm.  Moves far too slowly to be used to attack or ensnare.  Rope cannot defy gravity, but can climb vertically up to one half its length.  Must consume a (normal, organic) rope of equal length 1/mo, like a king snake eating a corn snake, at a rate of 10'/hr

5. Potion of Suicide Clones; causes 1d4 mini-clones to 'bud' on the body of the imbiber, ea costs 1HP to produce.  Within 1 turn the fawning, grotesque 6" charicatures detach, and will follow simple commands until they shrivel and die after 24 hrs.  Only form of attack is to get really angry and hurl themselves onto a target and explode for 1d4 damage, which is, of course, a one-time-only kinda deal

7. Howard's Signet Ring; adorned only with the raised initials H.P.  (backwards, reversed)  One additional HD, as appropriate to system, is rolled ea day, and the result is added to HP for that day.  Simple, and dearly loved

8. Cuneiform Codex; heavy slab of basalt with twisting, animated hieroglyphs engraved upon it, committing to read it for 12hrs, uninterrupted, followed by a full rest, grants reader the ability to Read &Write any one language (or similar system) of their choice.  Learn 'Bullywug' in a Day!

9. The Green Cream; when applied to any living tissue, imparts a greenish tinge, permits photosynthetic healing, ea hr spent in sunshine Heals 1d4 HP, lasts 24hrs, 2d4 applications/crock

10. Quicksilver Capsule; appears to be a metallic jellybean, when swallowed, take 1d4 damage, and be overcome by fatigue and nausea for 1 turn, whereupon certain Spells already cast that day are restored as if they had not been expended.  The total # of Spell Levels regained is equal to XP Level.  One specific Spell of Player's choice  may be regained, the remainder are determined randomly

11. Philosopher's Rod; transmutes a quantity of metal no greater than one cubic foot into a metal of greater value, according to this progression: iron/steel<copper<silver<gold<platinum
Only affects a single item; one lock on a wooden chest, a sword, a portion of a set of standard donjon jail bars, one burial mask, etc.  Req. touch, or successful TH at +1, 3d4 charges

12. Silver Whistle; summons a Ghostly Hound, which must be fed some kind of reasonably edible meat, and will then stand watch, in one area, for up to 12 hrs.  Detects Invisible, Concealed by smell, cannot be Surprised (except possibly by Teleport or Phasic Travel) is incorporeal, cannot track or attack, but will warn of any approach or intrusion

Chewy Mummy

Magicked Tiny (12") Jade Sarcophagus is Cursed to Paralyze, and also place into an indefinite Stasis, anyone touching it; the victim has a chance to avoid this if they can answer a Riddle of DM's choice.  Tell the Players that only this PC knows it,slipping the Player the Riddle on a piece of scrap,  and they cannot reveal it or ask for help from anyone.  Their answer must be written privately on the scrap and returned to the DM.  If the answer is incorrect, they will assume cross-armed Mummy posture, clutching the sarcophagus to their chest, utter the Riddle aloud, and the Curse will take effect.  Only way to end Paralysis is for another to voluntarily touch the thing, being aware of the consequences, of their own will, whereupon the Curse is transferred to the new victim, or by consuming the mini-mummy inside, which tastes like spicy chicken jerky.  Sarcophagus will only open if Riddle is answered.  Eating the mummy is probably bad for you, too...

Chose the Form of the Destructor! (d12)

What did you do, Ray?!!

"Subcreatures!  Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus, Zildrohar, The Traveler, has come! Choose and perish!"

Well, now you've done it.  Save vs Mental Spells, or Roll a d12 to determine what form pops into your head (from some near-forgotten childhood tale, or elsewhere).  If everyone makes the Save, the Form will be chosen by the DM.

1. The classic Stay-Puft Golem.   Deceptively innocuous looking, massively huge, dangerously viscous, highly flammable (no Save/dbl damage vs. fire)
2. A large and moving Torb.  Much worse than the immobile variety, for obvious reasons
3. A giant Slor, its gullet like a roaring furnace, enough to make a Balrog jealous
4. The last creature which caused a successful Fear among the Party
5. The last creature which slew a Party member
6. The worst Thing on the local Random Encounter table
7. A Shoggoth
8. A Spawn of Shog-Gnargoroth, possessed of odd magic/mutant abilities http://tengoldpiecegems.blogspot.com/2011/01/super-simple-random-beasties.html
9. The goateed Evil Twin of the most powerful Party member
10. Roll on Dungeon Lvl X table
11. http://tengoldpiecegems.blogspot.com/2012/03/gonzo-random-villianidea-generator.html
12. Players get to vote on an entry from this table

Playing the GOOJ Card

An Item for the Player, not the Character.  The GOOJ card can be redeemed any time that a situation arises which would remove the Player from the game for an (extended) time, negating the spell, effect, or action which caused this result; for example: Paralysis, Sleep, perhaps even Web, or Time Stop.  In essence, any game result which would have the real-world effect of causing the Player to be effectively removed from game play can be negated by the GOOJ, subject to DM discretion.  The GOOJ does not usually negate damage, or any other game result which, while possibly detrimental, does not remove the Player from the game.  Perhaps even death can be cheated with this card; if a PC is at negative HP, could the Player redeem to negate this state... possibly being restored to a stable 1 HP?

Variations:
- One-time Literal Version allows automatic Bend Bars/Pick Locks success, once only
- Community Chest Version applies to any effect/situation applying simultaneously to the entire Party, as when everyone Fails Save... basically, a 'Get Out of TPK' card
- Card of Free Action, as Ring, once only
- Rookie Card, given to a newbie Player unfamiliar with the game, or House Rules, redeemable when an unfavorable situation occurs, or undesirable course of action undertaken, as a direct result of misunderstanding or ignorance of the accepted rules.

I had one which was simply a 3x5 index card with the phrase written on it, presented to the Player with a paper clip, but it might be cool to print one of these graphics and hand it out.

Atlatl, Atlatl, Atlatl

Wasn't sure this belonged here, then realized: awesome primitive weapon, 'Mad' Scientist, pretty darn funny... too cool to not post here!  Great weapon for D&D Barbarians, Post-Apocalyptic Road Warriors, & Martian Desert Tribesmen.  Besides, it's just fun to say, "Atlatl."  Check out the vid.

...ATLATL!  : )

 UNRELATED LINK of the DAY:http://deltasdnd.blogspot.com/

Wand of Wacky Missiles, plus Wand of Wonder links

A weapon/wand which shoots forth Random Spell, Missile, Ray, or Odd Thing each time it's used.  Range 100', charges 20+1d10.  No effect may be repeated until all 20 have been randomly rolled, re-roll previously rolled effects, thereafter user may choose any desired effect, but only once -no effect will occur more than twice; once randomly, and then possibly a second time by choice (although, see entry 20; this result only 'counts' as a single use, whether random, or chosen!).  Have Player fill out a list as item is used, then check off effects which have been used twice.

1. (1d4) Classic Magic Missiles
2. Super Sleep Pellet bursts into 5' diam. gas cloud, no Save, 1 turn duration
3. Fireball, 6d6
4. Lightning Bolt, 6d6
5. One +5 Magic Arrow, roll TH 
6. Sticky 'Silly String', -1 to AC, AT, Saves until scraped off, highly flammable (dbl fire damage)
7. Live Chicken, does 1 HP damage, squawks around for 1 turn, disappears in puff of smoke
8. Oily stream of multicolored, self-applying, permanent, circus clown face paint
9. Slow Ray, 2d4 round duration
10. Cream Pie, (d4): chocolate, banana, coconut, peanut butter
11. Swarm of angry Bees, does 1d4 damage/round for 2d4 rounds, Save for half ea. round
12. (1d4) Brightly colored, neurotoxic frogs, bite/splatter on impact, Save vs Paralysis for ea.
13. Random Limb Polymorphing Ray, (d4): lobster, mantis, squid, manatee, until Dispelled
14. Corrosion Ray, all metal items on person, magic items get Save vs Disintegration
15. Black sphere rolls out, rapidly increasing in size/mass to 5'diam/500lbs, roll TH, Crushes target
16. Hypodermic needle, flesh-dissolving bacteria, Save vs Poison or lose 1HP/turn until dead/cured
17. High-Pressure stream of Water, 1d4 damage, plus thrown back 20 ft.
18. High-Velocity stream of 100 Coppers, 1-50 damage, coins are real, collectible
19. High-Temperature stream of Fire, 2d6 damage, flammables ignite
20. Three Random Rolls, in succession... try real hard to roll three 20s in a row!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 Penultimate Wand o' Wonder Effects Generator (d6)

 1.  Greater Rod of Wonder Effect Generator

 2.  DMG-A1_Wand of Wonder.pdf 

 3.  The RPGNet Wand of Wonder! [Archive] - RPGnet Forums

 4.  100 uses for the Dangerous Derv Wand of Wonder

 5.  Alacrity's Wand of Wonder - presented by the Red Dragon Inn

 6.  Tenkar's Tavern: The Tenkar's Tavern Wand of Wonder - First 63 Possible Results  

(d20) Things Adventures/Players/DMs Say

Adventurers/Players

1. Got any Healing Spells left?

2. No one took Identify?

3. It's a Trap!

4. Who's opening the door?

5. I'm not going in there

6. I'm searching for Secret Doors

7. I attempt to disbelieve*

8. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

9. Can't anyone Detect Magic?

10. Try touching it

11. No way!  YOU do it!

12. Is the _______ Spell still in effect?

13. 'Twelve'... no, wait, 'Thirteen'!

14. We can't trust him

15. But... it's written on my Character Sheet!

16. Wait, where are we?

17. Can't I just DO that?

18. Someone read that Clue/Riddle/Note again

19. Hold on a sec, let me look it up... 

20. We already tried that

DMs

1. You can't possibly be carrying all that

2. You tell me... did anyone write it down?

3. (looks around gaming table)  ...Everybody Roll Initiative!

4. Are you SURE you want to do that?

5. When suddenly...

6. Well... it certainly LOOKS like _______

7. Let me see your Character Sheet for a sec...

8. It's not doing anything; it's just sitting there

9. It appears to be empty

10. No, really guys, it's empty, just move on

11.You do realize that's going to: make a lot of noise/take forever/really piss them off

12. _______ isn't flammable; you can't just dump a flask of oil on it and make it disappear

13.  Because: that's just impossible/it will ruin the story/I said so!

14. OK... describe to me exactly how you're attempting to do this

15.*sigh* ...EVERYBODY make a Saving Throw vs _______

16. Are you joking, or does your Character actually say that?

17. They're not there anymore, just some bits of chewed-up saddles and bloodstains

18. Are you keeping track of ______?

19. Hold on a sec, let me look it up... 

20. You already tried that

*don't know how this one ever got started; if there's a Save vs Illusion, I've already rolled it.  I keep telling them that, but no one listens

(d12) Looking into the Magic Mirror

Altered Reflection Seen, Effect

1. Cleaned Up, +1 CHAR

2. Beaten with Ugly Stick, -1 CHAR

3. No Face, 24 hrs

4. Face of last opponent slain, 1d4 days

5. Big grin, 24 hr smile is disconcerting, renders immune to any other emotional state

6. Instant Facial Hair, (d4): handlebar 'stache, ZZ Top beard, Zappa soul patch, evil twin black goatee, immediately re-grows if cut, until Dispelled

7. Something creeping up behind, this thing does just that w/in 1d6 days, automatic Surprise

8. Partially Invisible, appear as (d4): skinless, circulatory/nervous system only, skeleton, eyeless face (side effect: see Invisible), 1d4 days

9. Blurry, Displaced 24 hrs

10. Medusa Morph, Save or be stone unto you, if Save, gain ability to assume Medusa face for 1 round, once only

11. No Reflection, never casts one again, Immune to Scrying

12. Near-Infinite Reflections, view self looking into a mirror, viewing self looking into a mirror, viewing self looking into a mirror... transfixed until forcibly removed, whereupon 1d4 Mirror Images emerge, following until struck as per Spell

UNRELATED LINK of the DAY:
https://rpgcharacters.wordpress.com/

This is The Pact

To Defend, this is The Pact

But when Life is scorned, and damage done

To Avenge

This is The Pact

Thinking this is about the most elegant way to phrase the credo for a Paladin-type, from one of my least favorite songs by one of my most favorite bands.  Check out the tune that wasn't featured in the classic animated film, Heavy Metal (1981), dubbed over the appropriate scenes by another fan; a pretty good job of editing!

'Dorkness Rising' Full Movie on You Tube

If you haven't already seen it, you def. should!  Just discovered the full movie is on YouTube.

Be sure to check out other projects from Dead Gentlemen and Epic Level Productions!

Gonzo Fighter-Type Names, MST3K Style

Copied/Pasted this list of Uber-Macho Fighter names, suitable(?) for NPCs, Henchmen, even your next PC, and made a Random Table of it.  View the MST3K clip here.
(d50)

1. Slab Bulkhead *       
2. Fridge Largemeat * 
3. Punt Speedchunk * 
4. Butch Deadlift * 
5. Bold Bigflank * 
6. Splint Chesthair * 
7. Flint Ironstag * 
8. Bolt Vanderhuge * 
9. Thick McRunfast * 
10. Blast Hardcheese * 
11. Buff Drinklots * 
12. Crunch Slamchest * 
13. Fist Rockbone * 
14. Stump Beefknob *
15. Smash Lampjaw * 
16. Punch Rockgroin * 
17. Buck Plankchest *
18. Stump Junkman * 
19. Dirk Hardpec * 
20. Rip Steakface * 
21. Slate Slabrock * 
22. Crud Bonemeal * 
23. Brick Hardmeat * 
24. Rip Slagcheek * 
25. Punch Sideiron * 
26. Gristle McThornbody *
27. Slate Fistcrunch * 
28. Buff Hardback * 
29. Bob Johnson (oh, wait…) * 
30. Blast Thickneck * 
31. Crunch Buttsteak * 
32. Slab Squatthrust * 
33. Lump Beefbroth * 
34. Touch Rustrod * 
35. Beef Blastbody * 
36. Big McLargehuge * 
37. Smoke Manmuscle * 
38. Beat Punchmeat * 
39. Hack Blowfist * 
40. Roll Fizzlebeef *
41. Ragnar Rokbottom 
42. Leif Longbottom
43. Leif Garrotte
44. Danger D. Danger
45. Tank Blackmoor
46. Stiff Polearm
47. Flabby Thunderbuns
48. Thorvald McMaynerberry
49. Bjorn Redeye
50. Goliath Oakennutts

For easier Random Rolling, I rounded out the list to an even 50 entries,  adding #s 41-49 in an apparently Viking-influenced fit of giggling free association.  Entry #50 was the name of a favorite Character of mine, one of the last of the Clan of Chainsmoking Dwarves, sadly departed, and undoubtedly hollering his signature catchphrase, "Heapin' Gobs of it, Laddie!" on the entrail-strewn battlefields of Valhalla.  We hardly knew ye, Goliath.